"I'm a young lady of 25 and I just got married but the problem am facing is that my husband is not romantic. I've tried everything to change him, even calling him in the middle of night to talk to him about how to be romantic but he still hasn't changed, and I love him so, so much and I wish he would just change so our marriage would be just as I have always dreamed because I can't picture a life without romance. I love kissing, cuddling and little surprises but he just does not get it."
If your husband is a workaholic and all he does is talk about sub-sea engineering and installations then don't think you can change him. And for those single ladies who want to start their very own Ultimate Search (romance edition), think again. "Mills and Boon" is very different from reality so don't have unrealistic ideals about marriage. The Honeymoon is over. He has beat out the competition and secured the prize "you" his wife, so he no longer feels the need to make you feel special or significant just bearing his last name is supposed to satisfy you and be enough. But it isn't, is it?
That said, remember on your wedding day you said "I do" therefore, YOU DO have a major part to play. If you long for romance, take the bull by the horns and instigate it. A close observation of human beings will make it clear to you that humans mirror each other.
So, then make things more playful and spontaneous. Romance shouldn't feel like work. Before he gets home from work run a bubble bath, help him take off his shirt. After serving his food, offer him a massage. He will wonder what has come over you. In your sweetest voice, tell him that you love him, but you need to feel appreciated and desirable. Do not move your head side to side in an Egyptian fashion with a hand on your hip whilst you do this. (You know what I mean? Like when a black person is angry or talking with attitude, they sort of jut their head side to side and it's just the chin moving... I find a lot of us black women seem to do this). If you are one of them, it needs to be addressed..
They say it takes 21 days to form a new habit so he may not reciprocate immediately. In the meantime, find out what he likes and make it more pleasurable for him. I'm not saying that you should force yourself to enjoy the African cup of nations ( I can't watch a football match without getting dizzy and wondering why they can't all have a ball each). So go into the kitchen and fry some beef for him to nibble on during the game (just a few pieces though) then go and do something you enjoy.
You'd need to take one day at a time and communicate to him how you want to be loved and give him concrete examples of how you define romance. He may be working his behind off doing things he thinks are romantic, wondering why you are not satisfied. He's not in your head, he can't feel what you feel. So demonstrate, explain, use analogies, similes, what ever it takes to help him understand how you feel.
Please listen to him, learn what seems romantic to him so you can recognize his efforts at being romantic. When you see him trying, encourage him in the best way you know how.
Just remember that there will be times in your marriage that seem very boring and many men are not so romantic, so don't play the blame game. Life is different once you get married and you have to settle into a routine and all those responsibilities in life come crashing in. The first thing you have to do is accept that being married isn't all fun and games but a commitment to each other and your relationship, to work hard to build a family that will be a blessing to society. Life is what you make it and if you want your relationship to survive, you have to work at it and that includes finding ways to have those romantic moments that you had before you got married.
By Ijeoma Olujekun
Read more inspirational articles on Ijeoma's website Covenant Relationships
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